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In the beginning humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer and other wild game in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the gl [no swearing please] bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days trapping and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative Movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as 'girlymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, turning barber shops into "salons" and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jacka$$.

Some liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Many liberals have annoying, animated signatures on forums and no matter how many subtle complaints they get about it, just can't seem to understand why no one else enjoys it.

Liberal women usually have higher testosterone levels than liberal men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers, hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are trappers, big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who actually want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing

Here ends today's history lesson. Study hard, there might be a pop quiz tomorrow night.

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